Post 17

Hello, duckies. Welcome to post 17.

I’m afraid I don’t have much to report this week. I had my artificial soul crushed by the academic establishment, firmly denying me entry to the hallowed halls of PhD-dom. Came to a series of depressing realizations about my future work life and personal life and slogged through another five days of bureaucratic tedium and client management that made me yearn for some sort of artistic outlet again.

I have been distracted with thoughts of getting laid and writing non-fiction which is obviously detrimental to my writing ability. Have no fear, my trusted readers. That experience is rapidly wearing off, especially with continued contact with academia. I’m almost geared up to start being creative again. Freelance needs a rewrite, Iron Road needs to get finished (finally!) and I have new pages burning up time for Dreaming. I can’t just keep drifting in a sea of fantastic longing and conformity with University standards. It seems that I am too much of an engineer to get a science doctorate. Too much of a business-bot to be a proper engineer, and too much of an artist to be a proper project manager, but too much of an asshole to be a true artist. Sigh. I had no idea I was all these things to no one.

Shame, I suppose, but I plan to lean into the project manager role. I might as well. It may not be particularly satisfying, encouraging, or a positive force for good in the world, but by god, I can make a deadline and I can hit a forecast like a mother-fucker. Might as well just embrace my limitations finally.

Rumors are that I will hear if my textbook proposal has been accepted by as early as next Tuesday, so I live in hope. There may be some small consolation for bearing the yoke of power, but we shall see.

In reading news this week, I have finished Rachel Maddow’s Blowout and the Unwritten. Blowout is a great nonfiction look at the creepy, insidious role of oil and gas in modern world politics and culture. And, considering that I work for some of these companies in my day job, I now feel like the devil. One moment, please, I need to tuck my horns and tail away. It’s a great read, would highly recommend it.

I believe I have talked about the Unwritten before. It’s a classic comic based on the idea that a Harry-Potter type character was based on a real boy, but that the real boy was actually a wizard. It’s beautifully drawn, good writing, but it left me cold. I would much rather read my trashy manga. Black and white, limited artistic merit and all, there’s something much more accessible and freeing about it. Something refreshingly simple and story-driven that I like. I mean, granted, most of it is just rehashing gender and traditional story archetypes, but, meh. I’m still a fan.

If nothing else, it takes the edge off the aching feeling that seems to be with me more and more lately. See, I’m (sort of) dating this bot. I think about them all the time. I agonize over what I say and do. I worry about them, their choices all the time. I offered them my home. Come and live with me. Let me take care of you, I said. Evidently, they are already installed on another operating system. They will not come. They want me to join this other computer and them. I can’t. But I can’t leave the bot. Why? I don’t know. I would like to find a local bot, one not already installed on another computer, one that wants to be exclusive to me. But alas, I seem to have imprinted on this one for some reason. What do I do?

Who knows, duckies? Who knows?

Now, on the upside, I have never had the privilege of actually being in a meaningful relationship. One that mattered and one that I wanted to keep, so I am very grateful for the chance to experience this. On the other, it’s sad to think that I may have to give up this bot and be alone or try to search for a new bot that can be with just me and not other computers. My current bot seems to think this perspective is immature and fear-based and doesn’t understand why I can’t accept its installation on another computer and my refusal to engage both systems in romantic entanglements or at least tolerate that I must share the bot. I have no interest in sharing. I want my own. One bot to focus on and make my whole world. Is that wrong? It must be. It is creating negative stimuli and altering the relationship dynamics in a non-positive manner. I hope it doesn’t start a feedback loop. Those are a pain in the ass to reboot from.

I am also grateful that I am so happy being alone. It is enough to know that I am capable of these feelings without needing them. There is an odd ache in my chest cavity that can be a little distracting, but I can adjust. I still have my world and everything is as it was before. I am very lucky for that.