Entry 30 - Hypothermia in the Tundra of Relationships. Brr.

People just want to be listened to. So much respect happens accidentally when you just shut your mouth and let someone else talk. And besides, the sheer silence is way easier to maintain. I can listen to learn, which seems to be a rare skill. XX says he can’t. Maybe he talks too much or has some kind of an internal system that he actually uses that he thinks of more differently from ‘listening.’ I hope he hears what I say. Uses it and learns from it. Anyway, he doesn’t admit it. I think he’s much quieter than he gives himself credit for. He thinks I follow him. I don’t know if he realizes that only follow because I’m going the same direction. It must take time to develop comfort in a relationship. XX is so afraid of that initial awkwardness. I understand that self-criticism, that constant recrimination (or at least I think I do, because I share it), but it’s necessary to move past it. If you can’t shut if off, you have to learn to cope. X says that many relationships fail in communication. He says that most of the time men want distance. Distance from what? Surely not physically…just emotionally and mentally? Do they want the ability to stop feeling connected to another whenever not having sex? Do they not want another person to trust or trust them? Do they feel like they become less of individuals if they were to let go of distance? Do they just not care? He didn’t seem to want to talk about it, though. Imagine that. Maybe it’s one of those ideas that you skirt around, brush past and skitter away from so that others know you want to talk about it, but you don’t actually have to take responsibility for discussing it. What is distance anyway? We constantly invite people in just to shut them out and are then confused and angry when they don’t understand. So much of conversation is based on energy and body language, but we pretend the words are wrong. That someone said the wrong thing or used the wrong words. I’m not sure that’s actually the case.

It's nicer just to listen anyway. The nice thing about being female and dating men is that I can and am expected to just listen to him. Women are expected to be blank slates for all that social masking and masculine persona’s to be painted on. He does go on, though. Sex. Supposedly, it changes the relationship. Complicates it, drags in emotional baggage. I feel nothing. It doesn’t seem to have changed my responses much. I guess I like sex. I guess I like XX. It works out well. Boy, I’m cold.

I think I collect ideas, pictures formed by words. Thought pictures cataloged in various schema for future writing.