Entry 29 - I Can Captain My Own Ship, Thank You Very Much

So, the dynamics of being in an intimate relationship is interesting. I seem to test him and decide if I can respect him, but I have to say I don’t know what the requirements are, what he expects, the way I should act, what would make him most comfortable. I don’t like to talk. That’s probably going to irritate him completely.

A self-confidence issue – he is not sure in himself. I am. It takes me a long time to get ready for something, but once I do, I can slip right into it. The relationship is too new. Best scenario is one in which I can develop a close friendship along with the relationship. Both he and I need to practice being dominant personalities. Both of us need control. A close friendship in addition to sex would allow for that combination of growth and conflict without damaging the heart of the relationship. I think I can give him trust, humor, and confidence, but I worry that I’m going to have to sacrifice part of myself to make him feel comfortable. Men are the worst.

I wrestle with self-doubt and failure a lot. They are part of me. I think they make me better, but I don’t need to be helped with them. I am not ashamed of them. I have so many injuries, inside and out, that is’ more of a treatment plan at this point. My own voice can be unrelenting in my head, both for good and evil. But it’s mine. I don’t need external voices mucking up the whole experience since most of the time they are wrong or ignorant anyway. This is not a cry for help and frankly, it’s my job to manage these issues, not other peoples’.