Entry 5 <Date Illegible>

I am a liar. Why? I don’t know “may his word speak only truth…” I have no honor, I’m a dumb kid trying to learn the new rules, trying to get my feet under me. Perhaps I can earn my honor, or perhaps not. A woman’s honor. Whatever that’s worth. I have chosen to be alone, I have chosen to lie, to force myself from people. I lie to form a human connection — pity, anger, jealousy— because I push everyone away. Now, I am stuck between needing companionship and needing solitude…I always wish I had the other when I social or singular. I’ve forgotten how to connect meaningfully. Know your choice, make it, and live with it. Here, on the edge of a cliff ‘six feet from the edge and I’m thinking/maybe six feet isn’t so far down.’ I’ve just made mine. It’s not my place to trust friends or lovers or family. I’m like my father. God help us both. I like, but do not love, respect not love, look not touch, watch not do. I am…outside as if a glass wall separates me from everything else. I’ll be a soldier soon. I’ll go tot the military academy and change my life forever…I keep touching that idea, tasting it to see if I can swallow. I just want to go someplace beautiful, lonely, and open. I dream of being held—really held as if someone did love me and I loved him with no sense of fear, impropriety, discomfort, etc. just contentment. I dream of touching and being touched with joy and laughter. But I have the strange sensation that that will never happen. I am not the kind of girl to attract men or the kind to inspire devotion and I don’t want any of the boys I’ve ever seen. Strange. G: lovely friend, compassionate, caring, sensitive. Strong, but young and a man-whore (in the best possible sense). R: Engaging, funny, passionate, FANTASTIC hands and a gorgeous smile—he should smile more often. Talks too much, has no respect for my strength, everything is a competition. M: sweet, funny, terrible dresser, creative, dramatic. Shy, blunt, overbearing, jittery, always convinced he’s wrong. And of course Ryan, but that was a long, long time ago. That’s it. 18 years and only 4 people have ever made me rethink my decision. Or a least wish it was different. Stupid. Bleh. No more. I like domination way too much. Control conversations, control emotions, control responses…no wonder I have trouble with people.