Entry 17 - Yearning for the Zombie Apocalypse and Other Bad Ideas

Sometimes you forget what you are, who you are. Actually, most times you forget. The soul is too distracted trying to figure out who everyone else is. I think we forget how close we are to the universe. We forget that we are not its creator or manager, just another part. We forget that we have a special connection to that part. Human consciousness is just cosmic energies experimenting with different ways of being combined. We are like mixers—churning together different substances to make a new product. Each person’s product is different, thus the collective attitude, environment (everything from global warming to obesity) reflects that mixture of ‘flavors’. It’s not good or bad anymore than sour or sweet. There are so many different patterns all lacing together in my finer moments, I can see all life, material, anything deeply connected to everything else. In my coarser moments, it’s me against the world. I wish I could see those patterns more consistently, but they come and go. I find, as I get older, that my comfort zone is more and more solitary, more deeply rooted in nature. I need to be outside, with trees and rocks and brush to fee comfortable. Preferably alone. So many people! Each has such specific needs, wants, demands, all the time! Look at me, I’m the most demanding person I know. We take everything so seriously. I can’t help wanting a climax, I guess. Something like WWIII, nuclear winter, an environmental change that renders all technology useless…some tremendous event that will change human existence for the rest of time. I’ve been watching too many science fiction movies. I have such a strange relationship with society. Terrified of large groups, yet I speak and act well for an audience. Dislike making small talk, yet and charming and interesting one-on-one. Feel horribly uncomfortable being sociable with friends, yet am moderately popular. I can’t decide if I’m a hypocrite or just gifted. Perhaps I’m unusually balanced. Male to female, shy to bold, Temperate to passionate. This is why I can mold to almost any situation, yet am secure in what I believe. I don’t have to change to suit others. Maybe it’s like Aikido, the reed flexible and soft with an inner core of strength. Or perhaps not. I find tremendous irony in the idea that I will become a solider while studying philosophy.