Entry 10 - Being Female <XX February 2004>

A boy suffered an accident, resulting in paralysis. This boy was a star athlete and top student. Reported in the XX Daily Star in 2004.

It’s not become of him. I pity him, I feel what a prison the body can become, I don’t know him. It’s sharing so much of others’ grief. Watching Ms. Bohme sob. I see what can crush dreams. Too much grief. Let us out. Can’t we just stop…just say that this isn’t worth it. The biggest thing is that no one knows how to react. The grief is magnified because others step back. Produce a somber attitude and let it fester. The desire to be selfish and think of our own troubles is immediately squelched.

I have no respect for women. A man’s strength, a man’s honesty, a man’s courage gives hope and faith and trust. I would be like my father. He says I have a strong feminine side. He says that a true warrior strives for balance. Men must train to find the subtle, the shadow, the softness and grace that can be just as powerful as the yang. He says that I must train to find the yin. It’s strange to never have enough. I can feel a strength that is not reflected in my physical form. The ability to fight the confidence and arrogance that comes through true capability. R knows this. I don’t. How can I expect to lead men, when I don’t demonstrate that capable attitude? I have so many questions. So little time to mold and form myself into a perfect blade (as dad says) that sometimes I lose faith. A doesn’t care – she is the epitome of delicacy, elegance, and femininity. She is the gentle, nurturing, social creature that seems so out of place at the academy. She longs for foreign service, for parties, relations, embassies. I long for skill…a pressure born from years of experience facing terror, death, pain, and pressure that most people actively avoid. Combat…special reconnaissance, I’m drawn to it, even though my weaknesses will be horribly apparent. I want to train. School seems so superficial when compared to the grit, endurance, and intelligence that comes with training.